It has been a month since my dad left his family.
It was just too fast. So sorry that he didn't have chance to go back home since admitted. So sorry that he had to endure the ill feeling chemotheraphy. So sorry that he had to bear most of the fear. So sorry that I refused to bring him for a mountaineering. The disease is just too much for him and for us to face it. God damn it! Why him? Suppose every patients in the ward had asked the same question.
During my brother's graduation at MMU, he was actually already sick. We were just didn't aware. We had a family photo session. 没想到, 那是最后一张完整的合家照...
To have spent 3 weeks with my dad was tiring. Mentally tired. The disease stretches everyone's patience and mental strength. The family was in tense.
I remember dad's last smile. After few days of fever, when the nurse told him that the fever had gone, he smiled so happily and hailed 'wah, hari ini ada untung, ada untung...' Indeed, it was a small victory for us before the chemotheraphy started.
On Saturday, before I left the ward, I ensured he had his lunch and nutrition food. He wasn't too willing to take food. Suppose, the chemo had done some effect to his appetite and emotion. His condition was stable after 2 days of breathing problem. I left him with relief as I am confident that he will get over the 1st cycle of chemo. I remember vividly that the last sentence to him was "Dad, I will visit you next week ok. 你要坚强!". Too easy to say though. I am aware.
On Monday, received his blood count report. White blood count still low. But he was doing okay.
Tuesday, things just changed. Received sms from my brother, telling that he was in critical condition after he collapsed while on the way for ultrasound. The gastric overspilled into his lung, aggravated the pneumonia. He was again short of breath and coma. Subsequently, he passed away on Wednesday morning in coma. I believe that he went away in much less pain. It is indeed a relief to him and perhaps, his family too. Yeah... that was the best way for him to leave us.
I dreamt of him twice. The last 'meet', I asked him, 'How are you? Is everything ok?' He replied, 'Ok. But toothache on the left...' I presume he is alright out there, 神游四海 as he wished. Miss you dad. Hope you enjoy the new world and please let me know if there's a GOD out there...
I have no regret of trying to save, or at least, prolong his life as I know we have tried my best. But I do have tonnes of regret of not spending quality time for him while he's alive. Yet, another typical human who could only moans over mistakes/regrets. One of his far relatives knew about his dismiss via newspaper. She visited us on the funeral day and told us that dad had 'somehow' visited them. Brought some CDs of my brother's badminton games and share with them. Also, telling them '我的孩子全部都很乖。。。' I guess, as the children, we all feel that at least we have made him a proud man!
My close friend's mum was also diagnosed with leukemia in NY. He flied there immediately but could only spend a day with his mum as she had passed away the next day, not long after the chemotherapthy started. Things happen in a blink of eyes.
So, what say you my dear friends? Bring your parents out for a dinner this weekend? Ask them what do they wish to do?
Blessing everyone and family 身体健康，合家平安。。。
There's never a constant life. Things come and gone in a split second. One might be horrified by a sudden change. Something that they have never think of, or not expect it to be so soon. Mentally gruelled further when they choose not to accept the change and the outcome. We are flesh and possessed by a soul with emotion. We are human. Birth, Aging, Disease and Death are part of life. To be a happier human being, somehow, we have to learn how to accept the fact of life in a positive manner.
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